The why and wherefore of pain

I have been thinking about pain a lot lately. This has something to do with my sprained ankle and something to do with my current church situation. That and I have had conversations with more than one person about pain in their lives and God’s absence or part in that.

As you read this, please bear in mind that I am a survivor of child molestation, rape, physical and verbal abuse from family members, strangers, church leaders, and therapists. I have been a cutter, anorexic, and have suffered for nearly a decade with debilitating physical pain. I say this only to state that I feel I can speak on the subject of pain with some authority. On the other side of that continuum, I have been a Christian and have not explored any other religion or secularism throughout all of these trials, and I am only 23 years old. In these aspects, my experience is limited.

Often in my own life and in the lives of my friends and family the question has been asked, “Why did God let this happen/do this to me?” This is often but not always accompanied by the question, “Why has God stopped talking to me? Where is he?” I have asked these questions thousands of times myself, and it was the agony of being without answers that amped up my rage to the point of violence. In the deepest pit of my confusion, God told me many times as I prayed that I should not ask him why. This angered me at the time, and sometimes still does anger me. However, as I obeyed this command, I found that God would speak to me again and as he spoke to me I was able to start climbing out of the pit. I never really understood this, but followed it simply because it seemed to work. I have advised other people in this same vein, and they have also found it helpful.

Lately, I have begun to wonder what is so pivotal about asking why things would happen in a certain way, especially when that question is directed to the creator of the universe. Shouldn’t he know? And a being that claims to have power over everything, he should bear some responsibility when things go wrong, shouldn’t he? I’ve been reading the New Testament lately, and I noticed in the gospels that Jesus will heal hundreds of people, but when the Pharisees ask for a sign, Jesus flatly refused them. Similarly, Jesus answers all kinds of questions from scholars and religious leaders, but when asked by what authority he is doing miracles, he refuses to answer. So it’s not that Jesus is opposed to doing miraculous works or to answering questions, it’s that he will not respond to demands for proof. He will not justify himself, explain his actions, or offer irrefutable proof of his godhood or authority. This also calls back to the parable about Lazarus and the rich man. When the rich man goes to hell and he asks God to send Lazarus back to earth to tell his brothers how to avoid hell, God won’t do it.

It has only been in my latest struggle with pain that I have seen some light shed on this issue. I think that the reason the why’s lead to such pain and silence from God, is because when a human being asks why, they are fundamentally stepping into an inappropriate role in their relationship to God. That is not to say that the question is stupid or illogical, or to cast blame on anyone who asks it. I wouldn’t have so much to say on the subject if I hadn’t wrestled with this for so many years. When a human being asks, “God, why did you let this happen?” or “Why did you do this?” that human is telling God to account for himself. “What have you done? Why did you do this?” which more often then not leads directly to, “if you don’t explain this to me, then I won’t believe that you’re good or that you exist at all”. So in essence, when we ask God why, we are demanding that he give us something specific in exchange for our allegiance to him. And God does not play that game. He does not smite us, he does not leave us, he simply will remain silent until we can turn to him in humility and ask for help on his terms. This is what Job finally understands at the end of that very long book, when he realizes that although he did not curse God, he was wrong even to question him. And it is after he has this realization that he receives back all that he lost.

I think this is also the same conclusion Paul comes to when he talks about how some are made for great purposes and some for humble ones and he says, “Who are you to question God?” The thing about this response is that it doesn’t actually answer the question, just like this post isn’t going to tell you where pain comes from or why God allows it in our lives. Instead, this response tells you how to be less miserable in the pain that you are in, and how to get out of it more quickly. As my wonderful husband put it, it’s the solution that’s not an answer.

I think part of the reason we are led so strongly into this kind of questioning is that we have an uncomfortable feeling that whatever has happened to us has happened because we screwed up somehow. Almost every rape victim I have ever met claims some kind of responsibility and guilt for what happened to them, including myself. Many people who counsel those in pain suggest that perhaps they have done something wrong that resulted in this pain, like Job’s friends. I believe that it is a deeply ingrained belief that good behavior results in good things and bad behavior results in bad things. This can also come out as a righteous anger against God when a person says, “I was doing everything you asked me to, I was trying to do my best, and look what you did to me!” Which is a perfectly a natural response if one is trying to follow God with all their heart and they are met with pain. But the belief in this world of absolutes and justice is false, in my opinion. We can see this very clearly in every day life. One person is born to great riches and fame, another to poverty and death from a preventable disease. Some people throw away more food than others ever have a chance to eat, simply because of where they were born. People who love and serve God with everything they have are robbed of all their possessions, imprisoned, tortured, and killed. People who manipulate, lie, scheme, and screw over their friends achieve great riches and power. So unless you believe in karma and reincarnation, one must conclude that bad things happen to people who don’t deserve it, and good things happen to people who don’t deserve it. The Psalmists bemoan this fact on several occasions, crying out, “Why do the wicked succeed? Why do they flourish when I am trying so hard and getting nowhere?” (that’s a paraphrase). These psalms end with the promise that one day the wicked and the righteous will both get their due. I believe that we see a little of this on earth, but most of it will happen in the next life, when God sorts out what’s what and who’s who.

So that is my conclusion on pain. I know that it is easy to talk about this subject and mean well, but say things that are very hurtful. I’m sorry if that’s what I’ve done to you. If you would like to post questions or experiences here, please do. I will insist that if people do want to discuss this issue, that they do it in a respectful manner, given the sensitive nature of the question.