lauren – Page 9 – Tales of Creative Compassion

Tug and Pull

Among the artists that I know who are trying to be professional (in the sense that we’d like to be paid for our work, not in the sense that we wear power suits or use words like “synergy”), there is a constant tug and pull between creating new work and marketing already created work. There are times when it is much easier to focus on “working on my work” (thank you, King Missile) in a dark room where no one can see me. Other times, I’d much rather putter away my working time sending e-mails, going to open mics, and furiously networking rather than start a long stare-down with a blank page.

Why is it that it always seems like the right thing to do is the thing I don’t want to do right now? Is that stoic-type thinking, or just work avoidance?

On Self-Education

I’ve realized recently that I have some pretty big advantages in a lot of areas just because I read books from the library. I’m not much smarter than anybody else, but I can know a lot about a specific topic and make informed, intentional decisions about things if I educate myself first. So I read a book on dog training before we got a dog, a book on human fertility while we were trying to get pregnant, and many books on pregnancy, childbirth, and early parenting. I’ve found these books so immensely useful that I’ve decided to write…

Lauren’s Guide to Self-Education

Read a book.
Yes, I know it’s out of fashion. Yes, I am biased towards books because I write them. Nevertheless, while reading articles on the internet is useful, I find reading an entire book on a subject gives me a greater breadth of understanding than reading an equivalent number of words on the internet. Maybe because the author of a book is put through more of a screening process than one on the internet, maybe because a single author will delve deeper in one book than a bunch of authors will do in a shorter format. Books are easy to get because we have a great library system. You can request books online and have them sent to your nearest library and they will e-mail you when it’s time to pick them up. You can renew them via e-mail and you will get reminder e-mails when they’re due. You can’t beat that for the price, which is free.

Read a book you like.
You’re not going to keep reading a book unless it’s interesting or enjoyable, preferably both. If you start reading a book on a topic and you’re bored to tears put the book down. Get a different book on the same topic, one that’s more engaging and interesting. Trying to force yourself to read a book you hate will have two results. First, it will take forever to read it because you will find other things to do during reading time. Second, you won’t retain very much of the information, because instead of soaking up all the facts, your brain was busy keeping your eyelids upright.

Don’t believe everything you read.
If the book you are reading frequently says things like, “my friend Joe tried such-and-such a thing, and the result was…” that’s called anecdotal evidence, and it’s very bad. While a real life story seems like hard evidence to the author’s point, it fails to mention that there are a thousand different factors that could lead Joe to that result. When reading for information, especially information you’re going to actually use, look for phrases like “so-and-so did a study, with this many test groups, the control group had this result, and it was published in this journal.”

Really, don’t believe everything you read.
Even if you see all the phrases I mentioned above, still be suspicious of the conclusions they draw. Expect a person who runs a study to want that study to mean something dramatically significant. Not everything is dramatically significant, even if it is true. For example, a study done on breast milk found one element that’s used to produce jet fuel in the milk. If the author goes on to ask, “so how does jet fuel find it’s way into breast milk?” pause for a minute. One element used in jet fuel is water. Another good example is an article I read on how letting babies cry produces cortisol, the stress hormone, in their brains. It said nothing about the effect cortisol has on baby brains, it just made it sound like it might be really bad. I want to see something like, “babies with higher levels of cortisol scored 30% lower on an IQ test when they reached the age of five” or something. I made that fact up, just for the record.

Everyone has a bias.
Every book is written from a particular perspective, and is usually trying to prove or persuade you to something. Don’t stop reading a book because it’s biased, and don’t assume you’ve found a book that isn’t biased. Find the bias, identify what it is, and remember what the bias is when you’re considering the information they’re giving you. A book on raising organic vegetables is going to make villains of all chemicals. When that book tells me that a particular chemical is really awful, unless they offer some concrete evidence with it (see the two points above), I remember that this book is biased against chemical treatments and I reserve judgment.

The proof is in the pudding.
If you read something in a book, and you try it, and it does not work, stop doing it. This requires some forethought. What does “work” mean? What are you trying to accomplish? This is very interesting when you look at books about sleep training babies. Some books are trying to find the way of sleep training that creates the gentlest and least invasive situation for the baby. Other books are trying to find the way of sleep training that creates the longest stretches of sleep for the parents. These are both noble goals, but you need to know what you’re aiming for before you try something. Then you can tell if you hit it or not. If you don’t hit it, either take what you’ve learned from your attempt and do something else, or read a different book.

Talk to people.
You can save yourself some misery by chatting casually about the book you’re reading with some friends in a similar life situation. Chatting about dog training with other dog owners gives me an idea about what might work, what I might be inclined to do, and a few catch phrases that will help me find a book that’s helpful for me. If I know the phrase “positive dog training” or “alpha leader,” I will know what I’m looking at when I pick a book. Not to mention, I can get myself in some majorly twisted worldviews if I never check mine against someone else’s.

Don’t go nuts.
You don’t have to read every book on everything you ever do. Reading just one book on a topic will give you a very solid reference point for making decisions. Reading two will practically make you an expert in that area. Read three and you can bet that people will be calling you for advice on it. When you see that there are 800 books on prenatal nutrition, don’t freak out and relax with a cheeseburger. Pick one that you like and read the whole thing.

Add your own stuff to this list, object to a point, tell me what you think.

Luck vs. Blessing

I got very lucky with my baby. I was worried before giving birth that I wouldn’t be able to be around another person all the time, much less a demanding baby. Pearl is relatively easy to be around, and creates much more joy than inconvenience.

It’s easy to feel like we’re just lucky, like it is by sheer chance that Pearl is so happy. It’s more politically correct to view the situation that way. It would be judgmental of me to say that Pearl is happy because I’m such an amazing mom, or because I breastfeed, or because we used this or that sleep training program. And if I say that Pearl is this way because God intentionally chose to bless us with this happy person in our lives, what does that say about women who have more challenging infants?

The problem with viewing Pearl as luck is that luck is so easily broken. Because of my continuing cancer treatment, I’ll have to stop nursing Pearl in a few months. What upsets me most about this development is that I’m afraid it will upset our balance. If I can’t nurse Pearl, maybe she’ll stop being so happy. Maybe without that comfort, I won’t be able to get her to sleep at night anymore. Maybe our bonding will fade and she’ll feel unsettled and frightened. Maybe our luck will break.

As controversial as it may be, I choose to believe that Pearl and her happiness are blessings from God. A blessing doesn’t break so easily. If God intended our lives to be peaceful and happy, that peace and happiness will endure the weather. If it is God’s doing that has brought my life to this moment, I can continue to ask him for what I need or want and hope that he will hear and respond. I can hope that God means to bless my life, and that those blessings will endure beyond any curse, even cancer. I can believe that light will make the darkness flee, even at sunset.

Unwinding Worry

That pesky cancer thing is still kind of going on, so I have to have surgery on Tuesday to remove my thyroid. I’ve never had surgery before, and I’ve been advised by those who have to not think about what it actually is. Because if you think too long about someone, even a surgeon, cutting into your throat, the floor directly beneath you starts to sink. Granted, this is a relatively minor surgery, I’m in great hands, and I’ll have lots of help from my cute husband and my mom.

And yet, there are not completely illogical reasons to worry. I’m a breastfeeding mom, and the arrangements to make sure I can continue nursing after the surgery has required five phone calls in the last four days. I have a friend who was in a coma for two days after having this same surgery. I had another friend who died during a relatively minor surgery. All of that is pretty concerning, but I think I would be okay if it was just me.

I know within myself that if tragedy strikes, I can get through it. I’ve been through a great deal in my life and I know I can trust God to take care of me. It is much, much harder to trust God to take care of my family, especially my helpless two-month-old daughter. At this point, and possibly forever after, a tragedy for me has the potential to be an even greater tragedy for her. If I were to get really sick or die, Pearl’s life would be more effected than mine. While I can be concerned or even worried for myself, that thought sends me into out-and-out panic.

After Pearl was born, I felt that God gave me a new mantra, a phrase I can repeat to quiet and focus my mind while I meditate. Now, while I meditate, I repeat the phrase “I trust you with my daughter’s life.” I find that repeating this phrase releases tension I didn’t realize I was holding. There is a piece of the mother-baby connection that can turn sour and strangling; repeating that phrase unwinds that connection. I am telling God that I am willing to hand over the responsibility I feel for Pearl’s life. I am surrendering the idea that I can control or shape her, that I can protect her from all harm, that I am anything more than a mere mortal in her life. I am telling God that I trust him with the most precious and delicate thing I have ever held in my hands. And truly, if I can trust God with my daughter’s life, what else is left to worry for?

My very first book just came out! You can purchase this amazing piece of literature in print at Create Space or for the Kindle at Amazon

Check out the amazing cover created by the great Jamie Winter Dawson.

Some praise for The Other Side of Silence –

“In the gritty reality of modern Minneapolis, seven individuals struggle through obstacles as unique as they are universally human. In a world like ours, where families are broken, energy seeps away, judgment is passed and children wander, can there really be a presence on the other side of silence that cares about human struggle, let alone intervenes? Lauren Martinez Catlin’s debut novel The Other Side of Silence paints a world with poignant prose that glimmers with hope and grace out of the corner of your eye. The individual threads of story Lauren has captured weave a reality that acknowledges darkness, but speaks of an interconnectedness that catches and encompasses everyone. We all carry a piece of God within ourselves and contain the capacity to be the instrument of compassion that changes someone’s life. Ordinary humans are employed as angels to act on behalf of each other through deceptively ordinary acts in a cycle that omits no one and uplifts us all. In the space of a moment, lives touch in the palm of God.” – Heidi Alford, young adult fiction author

“The Other Side of Silence” explores faith, but doesn’t sugarcoat or mythologize it; instead, it’s a story about regular people coming into contact with something transcendent, a story about the God that exists inside every moment of clarity, embrace with a loved one or decision to keep fighting. The novel is heart-warmingly optimistic, but it also pulls no punches; while humanity’s goodness is on display here, that goodness is shining through a brutal, dark-and-dirty realism. Characters deal with racism, poverty, homophobia and oppressions of all kinds, and the sometimes suffocating bleakness only makes the novel’s various spiritual and emotional payoffs all the more satisfying. To top it all off, it’s written with supreme confidence and remarkable lyrical skill; this is an impressive, powerful debut novel.
–Kyle “Guante” Tran Myhre, 2-time National Poetry Slam champion

“Several of the chapters are among the most engrossing I’ve read. I couldn’t put the book down until the wee hours on the second night I was reading it, despite my need for sleep. I found many of the scenes deeply compelling, as if they were communicating a truth I didn’t yet understand, but could absorb by finishing the chapter… and the next one… and the next one. The story about one young man’s journey through the discovery of a same-sex attraction and the resulting fall-out with his family and faith community was as true as anything I’ve read, and manages to escape the cliches of the right or left and create a connection to the reader that feels familiar if you’ve had friends in a similar situation.” – Peter Benedict, pastor at River Heights Vineyard Church

Magic Skin

My husband’s skin is kind of magical. It’s not a sex thing, exactly. It’s not even a familiarity thing, because I’ve felt that about him before we were even officially dating. It feels like home. When I have contact with his skin, there’s a small spiritual confirmation that this is my partner. Long before we made the very grown-up decision to get married, I think the knowledge of our life long love was already in my sensory hairs.

Pearl has that too. She was asleep in my lap, just finished her early-morning feeding, and I got that same feeling. Like beyond the cognitive knowledge that she is my baby, my arms and hands whisper that this child is forever set apart from all others because this child is my daughter. This one has my eyes, she has my blood, she is sustained by my body. This one has my partner’s magic skin.

A Review of My Book

Kyle “Guante” Tran Myhre was kind enough to read and review my recently released novel, The Other Side of Silence. Guante is a national poetry slam champion, an insightful rapper who can be heard on the Current, and has his own blog (which is way cooler than mine) here

Here’s the review.

The book can be purchased in print form at CreateSpace, or for the Kindle on Amazon.

For the Joy

Now that I’m no longer pregnant, I feel more comfortable saying that I found pregnancy almost entirely miserable. My pregnancy could be measured in symptoms: First mind-numbing fatigue, second vomiting, third daily migraines, fourth crippling pelvic separation, fifth false (or “practice”) contractions, sixth freaking hives.

Before my pregnancy could end, I had to go through labor and birth. Labor, like pregnancy, gets continually worse before it ends, so the desire to move toward an endpoint is married to the awareness that more pain is coming. I chose to labor and birth naturally, which means I did not use any painkillers. For the majority of my labor, I felt like I could handle it. Even toward the end of active labor when I was crying and shouting during the contractions, I felt that those actions were part of how I was managing the pain. Between contractions I was still calm, serious, and committed to continuing without drugs. The transition between active labor and pushing was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. This is the only part we usually see in the media, when the woman says things she doesn’t mean, makes impossible requests, and shouts at people who are trying to help her. This is what Sylvia Plath described as a “long, blind, doorless and windowless corridor of pain.” Out of 34 hours, this lasted about 2 ½, or so I’m told. When my midwife told me I could start pushing, I felt an immense sense of relief. Now I could do something to move the process forward, I could use my strength, the might of my warrior woman, to end my pain and start my daughter’s life. At the climax, the space in which the highest peaks of agony and joy touch for just a moment, I gave my last push through the ring of fire. I pushed despite the fact that I could feel the pushing breaking me, partly because I chose joy over an absence of pain, and partly because I had no choice.

I was told that I would forget all my discomfort and pain when my baby was born. I did not forget it, but I also don’t regret it. That long, hard ascent to the peak of physical suffering is completely eclipsed by the sheer joy of my daughter’s mere existence. She does not erase the pain; she is the purpose of the pain.

Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus suffered on the cross because of the joy that was waiting for him. That is how I feel about pregnancy and birth. I did not suffer because suffering is a virtuous thing to do. I didn’t suffer because I wanted to be refined into a better person. I didn’t suffer because I have a martyr complex, or to have an excuse to complain for the rest of my life. I chose to suffer for one reason and one reason only; for the joy of being Pearl’s mother.

I have only sobbed for joy twice in my life. The first time was after I walked back down the aisle with my husband on our wedding day. I cherish that moment, when I couldn’t hold all the wonder and beauty inside for another second, and my new husband held me while I trembled and cried for joy. That was a small taste of what it was like to hold my daughter for the first time. She is miraculous in many ways, not least of which is in the simple and unbelievable fact that this complete person had just emerged from my own body. She came when we’d given up hope for children, she came despite my lack of faith in a God who keeps his promises, she came and grew and was healthy in a body that also is growing cancer cells, she came with a name God gave us before her conception. She is a true pearl, emerging from struggle and agony to grace the world with a pure and flawless beauty.

How Good You Are

A poem in honor of the third time in my life when my jaw has gotten sore from too much smiling. The only times I can remember feeling this way before were the day I was healed from a chronic pain that lasted six years, and my wedding day. Pearl, my lovely baby, reminds me daily how God stupefies my expectations of what he’s willing to do.

Once again you’ve overwhelmed me

with just how good you are.

Once again you’ve given me

a light that defies concealment

a joy as bright and powerful

as obvious as any hurt

I might write or weep about.

Months and years stretch out in doubt

so unaware your wave of joy

is about to crash upon me.

While I hold out my little clay cup

and beg for just another sip-full

“Would that be so very hard?”

You smile and prepare an ocean

that embraces my horizon.

Once again you’ve given me

a joy that widens my perception

of how loyal your love is

how sincere your promise is

how good you really are.

The Personality of Parenting

On March 4^th, my husband and I welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world. Because I am totally not above bragging about my kid, here’s a picture of her utter cuteness.

I’m finding that parenting is deeply personal. The way I choose to interact with my child, the values that I emphasize, the behaviors I encourage, the words I use, the type and amount of affection I give, all of those choices come from the core of my being. They are a projected image of my true self. Because I read a great deal and put a lot of stock in education, I will carefully search out articles and books on various aspects of parenting, but that is all just raw data I’ll draw from to make those oh-so-important decisions. The way I choose will still be based on my values and intuition.

Here’s the rub though. Parenting is also done in public. The results of all those deeply personal decisions ends up running around the playground with her very own voice for all to see and evaluate. And because everyone’s parenting is deeply personal, it is just as inevitable that any other parent present would have done something different than I did. If that other parent assumes that the way they interact with their kids is the way to do things, we’re not going to be friends. If I go back and judge them for doing things differently than I do, we get the same result. Which is a shame, really, because if we can both agree to let each other be who we are in how we raise our kids, we can be really helpful to each other.

But it’s hard. In the mom’s group I’m in, we sometimes have to remind each other, which everyone is grateful for. Those women are amazing, and it would be tragic to lose their friendship just because they’re different moms than I am.